2016 is a broken year. It has not worked how it was supposed to. It is confused and broken and needs to be returned to the manufacturer with a receipt immediately. It has been such a glitch that I am not even sure that it is real. I am convinced that some kid in an alternate galaxy is doing a Sims 2 on us and making all the wrong people do woohoo together and giving the wrong jobs to the wrong people and killing the good people by putting them in the swimming pool and deleting the stairs.
It all began in May when Leicester City, yes, Leicester City won the Premier League. This was huge. It is testament to how much of a giant WTF 2016 has been because have already forgotten about it. Not since Jesus walked on water has the world seen such a marvel that defies so many laws of normativity. The odds of Leicester winning the league at the beginning of 2016 were five thousand to one. To clarify this enormity, in 2013 the likelihood of Bono becoming the Pope was only one thousand to one. Bono was five times more likely to become Pope than Leicester winning the league. Despite this basically impossible feat, Leicester managed it, and even then, winning the Premier League was actually one of the lesser surprising things that happened in 2016.
Although I think Jamie Vardy is the King of Leicester now. Yes, Jamie Vardy who is an anomaly in himself, having signed to Halifax Town for £15,000 in 2010 and then less than two years later being signed to Leicester City for £1 million. So then, was born Leicester’s new king, Jamie Vardy, the world’s only hero that looks like the kind of guy that spits his phlegm on the floor in playgrounds and steals your wheelie bin.
Even television was an anomaly. Honey G, the most middle class rapper that has ever lived and who describes her freestyle as including ‘plenty of street…lingo’ nearly won The X Factor. Honey G is effectively what it would be like if your mum decided to become a rapper, tomorrow. With vocabulary like ‘lingo’ and her long brunette bob and leather jacket with dollar signs on it she is essentially your mum in disguise. And she nearly won The X Factor.
In 2015, this would have been enough. Alas, for 2016 this was not a big enough embarrassment. Queue Ed Balls, a prominent politician and an actual former member of our actual parliament. This year he became an internet sensation by becoming a successful contestant on Strictly Come Dancing and performing Gangnam Style. And we liked it. No. We loved it.
Without doubt though, worldwide politics takes the biggest WTF. It began in June, when Nigel Farage, who is essentially Mr Burns from The Simpsons, bobbed down the River Thames in a dinghy and told everybody in the UK to vote leave. As if Farage sailing down the Thames in a double breasted suit waving at no onlookers was not bizarre enough, he was also having an across-river, nautical battle with Bob Geldof. He screamed insults across the water, participated in the exchange of some hose fire, then urged us to exit Europe. AND WE DID.
But no fear, just when we thought it was only Britain that was making a complete mockery of the year, America outdid us all with perhaps not only the biggest balls up of this year, but potentially the biggest balls up since Ed Miliband tried to eat a bacon sandwich in public.
America voted for Donald Trump as President. A man who has openly bragged about sexually abusing women, promised to build a ‘big wall’ to keep out the Mexicans, said it’s impossible to be ‘too greedy’ and a man who GENUINELY said that he has never seen a thin person drink diet coke. This man will be the next President of the United States of America.
2016 was the year of walking around searching for Pokémon, while that Chewbacca Mom video played on repeat in the back of our minds. You couldn’t go anywhere without the niggling fear you would be attacked by a clown and you were heartbroken for weeks when those grandchildren never showed up to eat homemade burgers with their pawpaw.
Throughout the year Kanye was becoming more Kanye than anyone ever thought possible and Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston were pretending to love each other on a beach. Your friend called Daniel changed his name by deed poll because he was so sick of people saying daaamn to him and the main story on the news is that a gorilla broke out of London Zoo because he wanted an undiluted glass of Blackcurrant squash. Lindsay Lohan was chopping off her finger on the anniversary of Mean Girls and proclaiming it to be a message from God and everyone got their ‘dicks out for Harambe‘. We spent hours tagging our friends in dank Kermit memes and we spent our weekends dabbing. Leonardo DiCaprio finally won his Oscar and a crocodile attacked a kid in DISNEYLAND. Literally wtf.
Overall, it has been a strange one, but perhaps one to remember. With that, happy holidays to all, and here’s to an equally dramatic 2017.