Advice

Badvice – How to ruin Christmas

The Grinch Photo credit: Todd Austin via Flickr
By The Grinch

Christmas is a day filled with laughter, joy, lots of turkey and most importantly family drama. Let’s be honest, no one really wants to spend half an hour listening to Aunt Carol tell your Mum about the new carpet cleaner she bought and how it can ‘really get out ANY stain.’ On top of that it’s a bit too much effort to be on your best behaviour because according to everyone else, your cousins John and Rachel are God’s gift to Earth when really you know from their Snapchat stories that they spend half their free time getting stoned in random fields.

So why not let this year be the year you finally let your dark side out and ruin Christmas for everyone? I mean, at the end of the day it’ll probably end up being a little crappy anyway so you might as well make the most out of it.

Firstly, you probably shouldn’t let anyone notice the green-eyed monster inside you. Put on your snazziest Christmas jumper and head downstairs with the biggest smile on your face (you are getting presents after all). Offer your parents some help in the kitchen and slowly start to distract them so they forget that the turkey was supposed to be out of the over 30 minutes ago. Accidentally drop the mince pies on to the floor and blame the cat for getting in the way. Add a bit more rum to the pudding than you’re supposed to and voila, you’ve successfully ruined Christmas dinner.

The next step is causing some drama. Every Christmas dinner with the family is bound to have a drunken argument at some point but this year they’ll be orchestrated by you. Start by telling your Mum the truth about how your Dad only got her present last minute yesterday and it’s a lie when he says he’s been planning it for ages. Then you can subtly hint to Aunt Carol what John and Rachel get up to in the fields (just like Theresa May). Oh and of course, you need to stir stuff up between your parents and grandparents. Maybe it’s finally time to tell your dad about how his in-laws really feel about him? Evil? Yes. But it’s fun.

The next step involves you and a lot of alcohol. Start off with some mulled wine and then move on to the more hard-core spirits. Maybe invest in a small hip flask to help you get through the eventful day. It’s time to well and truly make a fool of yourself in front of everyone. Get hammered and pass out in the middle of the kitchen floor. If you want to take it a step further start playing drinking games (may I suggest Never Have I Ever) with everyone from your 73-year-old grandad to your barely 16-year-old cousin (only with parental permission of course). And at the end of the day, puke it all out over the dinner your mum worked so hard to make.

Well done. You’ve successfully ruined Christmas.

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