by George Watkins
It’s the end of summer, but the sun is still shining as you walk into shops like Tesco. It’s warm, and you feel happy to be getting your daily dose of Vitamin D still. Then you see the mince pies on the shelf. You have two options: ignore them and go into denial, or confront it with open arms. Christmas is coming, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. With most shops preparing for it from mid-summer, how can you escape it if you aren’t as keen on it as everybody else seems to be. Ignore the anger you feel brewing inside you when you’re called a ‘scrooge’ or a ‘grinch’. Breathe deeply. We can get through this together.
First of all, think about excuses. It’s unethical and possibly feels a little bit wrong to your nan, but do you really need to go over to the old couple’s house down the road your mum spoke to that one time for drinks? Do you really need to commit yourself to a packed full Boxing Day’s worth of boring stuff you could fill better by changing the world? What hurts the most is that it doesn’t ever seem to end. As soon as the pumpkins are decomposing on November 1st the world seems to shift into overdrive of madness and even the days after, until the actual calendar changes for the new year, some diehard fanatics persist with their cult of Santa until it is literally thirty degrees outside.
What about buying your presents early? There’s logic in this. Buy them in the mid-season sales at the end of October, wrap the bastards, tuck them to the back of the cupboard, and you don’t need to leave the house until the clocks go forward. There’s no need to deal with the chirpy sales assistants or the flamboyantly garish windows. You can turn the heating on full blast and wear shorts to hide away from it all.
So, in short, celebrate in your grumpiness. Lavish yourself with praise for your simple hatred of a day celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ on the pagan festival of the sun. There’s no logic in the day, so why should there be with your anger? Plan ahead, and it’ll be over before you know it.