Can it work?
I think we will begin at: are we still friends? Which is no. Not even acquaintances. We never talk anymore either, though IÔÇÖm sure many of you had already guessed that. I would love to say I hadn’t been warned of what I was getting myself into, but all my friends were disgusted with the contract (with added benefits) I had entered without reading the small print. I didn’t exactly go in with rose tinted glasses on either, it would never have worked in a relationship sense. He voted Tory and I was hard core Labour, he thought the Arctic Monkeys were the peak of music and I had moved on from my Indie phase, he wanted to join the army because of his love for ‘Militant History’ and to him I was a budding, clueless, hippy vegetarian ( who studied History at degree level where he did not but that’s another debate in itself). The point is none of this mattered. Apart from pillow talk and sexting, we did not have to communicate. We did not wander into the dangerous territories of politics or how both our parents were divorced, and this might be why we are commitment-phobes.
Emotionally it didnÔÇÖt work, and I never said it wasn’t complicated, we had known each other nine years prior to this commitment and had even shared a kiss on my 18th birthday. Even as virgins all those years ago we still looked at each other eagerly though only shared hugs in school corridors. Maybe it should have happened when we were teens exploring temptation and not two individuals freshly out of relationships. We never discussed anything, it just happened one summer. There was only one unspoken rule: we didnÔÇÖt sleep with each otherÔǪ in the counting sheep sense. We never stayed the night and after some pillow talk someone walked away. It was the beginning of the end when one hazy evening this boundary was overstepped. I fell asleep in his arms though was thinking of someone else and wonder if he was too. This is where I agree that it canÔÇÖt work, even if you donÔÇÖt fall for one another, you fall for the fun and carelessness that can never last forever. It annoyed me to think that he might have been using me as if I wasnÔÇÖt also using him. I still valued him as a friend and at times wondered if he seen me as this object to use whilst I was in our hometown. Above all else, we met slap bang in the middle of each otherÔÇÖs mania and complimented one another in the most toxic of ways. It went wrong when I thought I knew him better than what people had warned me, he turned out to be exactly what I was told.
Sexually, it did work mostly. It was comfortable because I knew him and could share exactly what I wanted because I did not care if he found me romantically attractive or not. It made me question why I had not told people I had dated before what I actually liked in the bedroom, and I guess I was somewhat trying to impress them by following what they found enjoyable. I think it works so well sexually because that is the only intimacy you engage in; every single emotion goes into that tiny drunken bedroom moment you share together.
But sex isnÔÇÖt everything and are these temperamental benefits worth destroying a friendship? Probably not.
Hope Docherty
ÔÇÿFriends with Benefits has become a normal concept to the majority, maybe even glorified. ItÔÇÖs easier, than the traditional roles of an actual relationship… a less scary, shorter-term endeavor that allows us to feel and gain through a sexually focused dynamic. A proposed perfect situation for an experimenting university student, with about 3-4 years in their current environment, waiting to start ÔÇÿrealÔÇÖ life. So, the perfect solution to the problem, right? But what decides if itÔÇÖs going to work?
Can two consenting adults make ÔÇÿFriends with BenefitsÔÇÖ work? Sure, for some it may work. But for the most part IÔÇÖd say they do not come with a happy ending attached. Consistency and intimacy, involved with Friends with Benefits can be confusing. Controlling your emotional attachments can be tricky too, some donÔÇÖt form them as easily. Perhaps there are steps to magically prevent it, yet IÔÇÖm still having to talk some sense into myself and others, after getting too attached. Emotional aspects can be hard to just switch off. Personally, I can feel a lot, but this doesnÔÇÖt mean I ÔÇÿfallÔÇÖ for partners, it just means I overthink, as I think a lot of us do. But, hiding or ignoring these emotions can be costly, which is why, a purely sexual relationship can be hard, especially if you know you can be more emotional than others. The consistent fear of getting attached or breaking the Friends with Benefits agreement, can be confusing, especially if you do not communicate your emotions. In their eyes, IÔÇÖm just ÔÇÿchillÔÇÖ, I donÔÇÖt think about it that much or care. But, thatÔÇÖs a fa├ºade, to not scare them away. But this cannot work, and to be honest hurts more, than honesty. To be in a Friends with Benefits, communication and validating each otherÔÇÖs emotions, is key. The situation must be right, you shouldnÔÇÖt be forcing yourself into something that is formed with an expiration date.
But if you can and are going to make ÔÇÿFriends with BenefitsÔÇÖ work, I stand by the idea that communication is key. For success there needs to be emotional maturity and communication from both partners. ItÔÇÖs not easier than a traditional relationship, it is just different. The relationship has to be clearly defined as ÔÇÿFriends with BenefitsÔÇÖ to prevent any confusion. If one of you are hurt, are messing with the others feelings or are leading them on, you have to tell the other. Both individuals are feeling, and thinking differently, the only way your feelings will be recognised, is if youÔÇÖre honest about them. If you want the relationship to progress into an emotional one, not just sexual, communicate this. In my opinion if you are not mature about your own emotions, you are simply in limbo; hoping for progression, while the other person is keeping the agreed emotional contract. In all honesty, I think maybe ÔÇÿFriends with BenefitsÔÇÖ can be harder than an actual relationship as your partner does not know you, or your emotions. Again, ItÔÇÖs up to you to communicate how you feel and what you want.
Amrit Bains
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