By Oliver Baynham
Have you been feeling stressed recently? Has the onslaught of depressing news meandering its way over from the barren wasteland of uncultured cucks that is the United States of America been getting your knickers in a twist? Are you still mourning the death of the meme of the death of a strange gorilla man you never knew? Well never fret, because your local university newspaper has some helpful advice on dealing with stress that you can easily ignore.
In a survey conducted by the NHS, it was found that 91% of students find exams and assessments either ‘reasonably’ or ‘very’ stressful, and it was later concluded that a student’s mental health has a direct impact on their academic performance. This means that being assessed on our university work stresses us out, which in turn makes us perform worse, which in turn stresses us out, which in turn makes us worse in assessments, which in turn… You get the idea.
But what is there to do about this infinite paradox of misery and depression? “Can I just drown my sorrows in alcoholic beverages until I enjoy lowered inhibitions for a measly 7 hours on a Saturday night that I will probably never remember but will have a lasting impact on my mental health and the well-being of my liver?” I hear you ask. The answer of course is NO. Don’t think you can qualm stress through numbing your brain with mind altering drugs, and don’t for one second believe you can make yourself feel better through eating an entire pound of cooking chocolate, despite the fact that cooking chocolate is far cheaper per pound and tastes about the same when compared with normal chocolate, so it’s actually a really good deal when you think about it.
Stress is stress is stress. Remember that what is happening to you right now is all just a stepping stone; existence is a gift bestowed upon us, and subsequently spending your time worrying about menial issues such as exams, Donald Trump, or Harambe (rest in peace) is going to have negative effects in the long term. Whenever you feel yourself becoming concerned over such things, consider instead whatever makes you happy in life. The little things, such as: a hot cup of tea in the afternoon, a lengthy phone call with a friend you haven’t spoken to in ages, the taste of cooking chocolate, Pewdiepie, or this very article that you are reading right now.
Live, laugh, love, and please forget about Harambe because that meme is SO DEAD like seriously guys come on it’s the CURRENT YEAR.