{"id":4261,"date":"2013-11-27T10:47:35","date_gmt":"2013-11-27T10:47:35","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/cardiffstudentmedia.co.uk\/quench\/?p=4261"},"modified":"2013-11-27T21:34:09","modified_gmt":"2013-11-27T21:34:09","slug":"so-when","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cardiffstudentmedia.co.uk\/quench\/lgbt\/so-when\/","title":{"rendered":"So when?"},"content":{"rendered":"

An anonymous student shares his feelings of being trans* through this heartfelt poem<\/strong><\/p>\n

So when will I be old enough?
\nFor tomorrow, if by the end of my life I am lucky
\nI will have lived a quarter of it
\nAnd I only have 3 left to live
\nIsn’t life already full of regrets and sadness
\nOr do you think this will be another
\nBut sometimes hell is better than purgatory
\nBetter than knowing that there’s something I could do
\nIf only I weren’t so young and na\u251c\u00bbve
\nIf I was born old and aged backwards
\nI wonder what knowledge I would tell myself
\nFor this is not what I planned
\nWhen following your heart only causes pain
\nAnd ignoring it is not a better solution
\nAnd this time there is no middle ground
\nAnd maybe if I am not so lucky
\nThis is nearly all of my life alive
\nFor if I die tomorrow I will never get any older
\nAnd I have yet to live, not really.<\/p>\n

So when am I am adult?
\nFor the laws that are written
\nState I can die for my country, marry
\nEven bring new life into this unforgiving family
\nYet these are not the laws I was raised by
\nNot the rules of the finite prison I used to call my home
\nAnd here I will always be a baby
\nNo matter how many years I have
\nOr experiences
\nFor you will always be older than me
\nWiser, more experienced
\nAlways be right
\nAnd what I want doesn’t matter
\nAnd never will
\nAnd I will always be a juvenile
\nFor I never had a childhood, not really.<\/p>\n

So is it really hormones?
\nWhen that photo of a toddler in frills
\nAnd frowns and tear stained cheeks
\nWith days late to school
\nWhen the summer monstrosity mysteriously disappeared
\nThe flushed cheeks and clenched fists
\nIn protests over the glittery outfit
\nWith no material between the legs
\nMemories that I don’t even own
\nBecause I was just too young to remember
\nOr I wanted to forget
\nAnd these stories that you’ve told me
\nAnd photos of this stranger are all I know
\nYears before hormones could dictate me
\nYears before I knew I was even different from the rest
\nBut sometimes you don’t want to remember either
\nBecause you need to explain me in a way that suits you
\nAlthough it is not your life to live
\nBut I have never lived it either, not really.<\/p>\n

So am I really just confused?
\nWhen I know exactly who I am I see you in trousers
\nAnd you singing to boy bands
\nAnd otherwise defying your stereotypes
\nSo why can I not defy mine
\nWhy must I be the only one to stick to the rules
\nYou tell me what I like and who I love
\nAs though you see the world through my eyes
\nBut I know you are wrong
\nYour views are not mine, not anymore
\nAlthough your shame is infectious
\nAnd I hate myself like you hate me too
\nBecause I can not live up to what is expected
\nOr follow those rules society made me
\nBut any life lived by boxes Is not a life lived, not really.<\/p>\n

So when will you believe me?
\nThere are no scars visible but do you need to see
\nThey rest on my heart, etched in to my brain
\nAnd when the sun sets and darkness falls I feel them inside of me
\nYou can’t know how I feel, not like you say
\nOr you can’t love me
\nBecause why do you make me endure this torture
\nThe world is not the perfect sphere I once thought
\nAnd you are no longer the great protectors
\nWho scared away the demons of my mind
\nNow I realise just how alone we all are
\nFighting for the right to be ourselves whilst everyone else protests
\nAnd the only way out is one I’ve been taught to fear
\nAnd all that would be left is an uttered name that’s not even mine
\nBut to die you must live
\nAnd I have not lived, not really.<\/p>\n

So when will this stop being a phase?
\nOn the day I draw my last breath,
\nIs that when you come to me holding the key to my life
\nWhilst I am sat here surrounded by four white walls with no pictures to show
\nWrapped in that same pink blanket they put me in after my birth
\nAnd with this new found freedom I weep
\nFor the life I never lived
\nAnd the stories that should have been mine
\nAs the world waits for me behind that locked door
\nBut I lack the strength to open it I always lacked the strength to open it
\nAs I struggle for air, suffocated by loneliness
\nFor I could never have loved another as I could not love myself
\nAnd I weep for my children who were never born
\nAnd the lover I never met I weep for the life I never had
\nBecause I never lived, not really.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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