By Alice Moore
For years, sex has been entirely based upon reaching the ÔÇÿBig ÔÇÿOÔÇÖ ÔÇô the orgasm. Sex was conceptualised as a competition with one goal only, and failing to make yourself or your partner reach this was essentially deemed as a failure; a waste of a shag. It goes without saying that this perception was (and still is!) highly patriarchal, predominantly focusing on the achievement of the male orgasm in heterosexual relationships. Subsequently, within an era in which sex has become more prominent within the public sphere, it is no wonder that the thought of partaking in intercourse causes so much anxiety, especially with those who are inexperienced.
However, all hope is not lost! The 21st century has given rise to a pleasure-oriented approach to sex, reviving sex life and making it enjoyable once more. Fortunately, changing attitudes and the normalisation of sex in popular culture has facilitated an open conversation about its practices, from who you have it with, to what you use to do it. This article delves deeper into these practices with the aim to educate and reassure those who find sexual activity stressful and intimidating, and emphasising the most important part of sex: comfort.
So, whatÔÇÖs the importance of having pleasure-oriented sex?
Strangely, pleasure-oriented sex is treated as a ground-breaking cultural phenomenon that no-one should ever dare to utter in social society. In actual fact, itÔÇÖs quite the opposite. Pleasure-oriented sex prioritises enjoyment and arousal throughout the entire duration of sexual activity, and not just at the climax. As wild as this seems, this requires both or all parties to not be selfish ÔÇô itÔÇÖs surprising how much goal-oriented sexual culture conditions people to prioritise their own orgasm. This facilitates mutual pleasure, which is consistently stimulating throughout the whole interaction. As a quick tip: if youÔÇÖre not interested in your partnerÔÇÖs pleasure, then you probably donÔÇÖt deserve to be having sex with them.
‘Pleasure-oriented sex prioritises enjoyment and arousal throughout the entire duration of sexual activity, and not just at the climax’
Inclusivity is also a key part of pleasure-based sex. Basing sexual activity solely upon the climax alienates those who are unable to or find it difficult to orgasm. Ranging from medical conditions such as Vaginismus (a struggle depicted by Lily in NetflixÔÇÖs ÔÇÿSex EducationÔÇÖ), to trauma responses, to medication side-effects, orgasm struggles are more common than you would think. A shift of focus to consistent arousal negates the pressures that goal-based sex establishes and allows for a comfortable experience for everyone involved, both physically and mentally.
Professor Laurie Mintz, a feminist researcher for the University of Florida, coined the concept of the ÔÇÿOrgasm GapÔÇÖ, whereby it is statistically proven that men reach orgasm significantly more than women in heterosexual relationships. A 2016 study in the US showed that 95% of straight men usually orgasmed during sex, compared to 65% of women. Of course, it goes without saying that the struggle of other genders to climax is additionally valid, but heterosexual women suffer the most in this deficit.
But, why is this? Lack of education surrounding female genitalia is one of the main culprits, not only leaving those who have sex with women confused on how to pleasure them, but also isolating women from their own bodies. This is mainly due to the education systemÔÇÖs view of sex from a biological perspective, teaching that in order to ÔÇÿmake a babyÔÇÖ, a man must ejaculate to fertilise the egg. Within this process, the female orgasm is deemed unimportant and unnecessary, and this perception has become integrated within modern-day sexual practices.
Pleasure-oriented sex functions to remedy the contentions surrounding the ÔÇÿOrgasm GapÔÇÖ and other difficulties within sexual activity. The detraction from viewing the climax as the ÔÇÿmain eventÔÇÖ helps to encourage experimentation with your partner/s and get acquainted with each otherÔÇÖs bodies a lot more.
How can I make sex pleasure-oriented?
ItÔÇÖs all well and good knowing the importance of pleasure-oriented sex, but how do we put it into practice? There are many ways in which this can be done, varying from basic communication skills, to using toys in the bedroom. ItÔÇÖs important to note that everyone is different when it comes to sex; what works for one partner may not work for another. Therefore, these tips are entirely flexible and may need a bit of experimentation to get right!
Although seemingly obvious, communication is key when it comes to sex. Letting your partner/s know what feels good and doesnÔÇÖt gives them a closer idea of what you love, thus leading to a more enjoyable experience. Communicating can seem a bit awkward at first, but doing so will break the ice and lead to a more healthy and stimulating conversation. ThereÔÇÖs no use in lying still while someone uncomfortably prods your labia hoping it turns you on ÔÇô you need to speak up if you want to enjoy yourself! Remember: it isnÔÇÖt shameful to be inexperienced with pleasuring others, but communication is the best way that you can learn how.
‘ThereÔÇÖs no use in lying still while someone uncomfortably prods your labia hoping it turns you on ÔÇô you need to speak up if you want to enjoy yourself! Remember: it isnÔÇÖt shameful to be inexperienced with pleasuring others, but communication is the best way that you can learn how’
Communication doesnÔÇÖt stop at just your partners, either. Understanding your own body through masturbation helps you to pleasure yourself, and also to know how to answer when any future partners ask you what you like. And it doesnÔÇÖt have to be all ÔÇÿfifty shadesÔÇÖ! This could be anything simple, from what part of your body stimulates you the most, to if you like feel the need to use lubricant for comfort. Sex toys are also a perfect way to step up sexual pleasure, and provide an alternative way to experiment.
Aftercare, despite taking place after sexual activity, also contributes to the overall pleasure of the experience. This refers to post-coital actions, which range from making your partner/s a cup of tea, having a cuddle and watching TV, or just having a chat. This helps to make your partner feel respected and comfortable in your presence as after an intimate act, it is easy to feel vulnerable or used. To reiterate, if youÔÇÖre happy to engage in sexual activity with a partner, but canÔÇÖt be bothered to provide aftercare for them, then you donÔÇÖt deserve to be having sex with them – full stop!
Overall, the popularity of pleasure-oriented sex is inclusive for all. It provides a comfortable platform for both experienced and inexperienced people to healthily engage in sexual activity, and removes any elements of pressure or fear from the sexual sphere. It really helps to push home the idea that the ÔÇÿBig OÔÇÖ isnÔÇÖt always the goal.
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