Life after Brexit: A Satirical Imagining

by Maisie Marston

They said the sun wouldn’t rise. They said that there would be economic uncertainty, food shortages, medicine shortages, precisely £4,300 less per family. Peace in the western world would fall apart. Project fear were wrong; Brexit was indeed a titanic success.

My first Brexit breakfast was incredible; a banana, finally liberated from the cruel chains of European bureaucracy. It tasted so much better for being misshapen. Shortly afterwards, I tweeted Boris Johnson and thanked him for doing God’s work. Brexit finally meant Brexit. Overnight, you could feel the shift between sub-standard EU Britain to fantastic super-power Great Britain.

By the time we had hosted a vote on whether parliament should keep having votes, a vote to decide if we should be giving other people another vote, and a final vote on Theresa May’s withdrawal agreement (just in case anybody was so bored of voting that they had been lulled into the illusion that it was actually a good idea), it had become apparent that we’d actually left the European Union in midst of it deal-less. Not only this, but miraculously we had torn through another six Brexit secretaries without realising. At that point specifically, the country couldn’t be more excited to see ‘added sovereignty’ poured into our dynamic, world-famous legislature. As Vote Leave promised; we were to take back control.

Electoral reform has been big since Brexit. We’ve scrapped general elections and now rely on the cabinet to telepathically summon the ‘will of the people’. It’s proven very effective for democracy, as before it was looking like all elections and referenda would have to be ‘the best of three’ in the future. It was also looking like the passage of even parts of bills in the Houses of Parliament would be at least a 3-year process. After Vote Leave had much success with their campaign, we’ve also started delivering public information via the medium of bus. We have found that people trust the information more that way. Although these changes were paving the way to a fixed British politics, it wouldn’t be accurate to say everything was completely plain sailing…

Not long after we left, everybody realised that Brexit was not going to be the most difficult constitutional crisis our great nation would have to negotiate. Thexit — the exit of Theresa May from Downing Street — was to prove much more challenging. After a decisive vote of no confidence, there was yet another Conservative Party leadership election, gifting us with Jacob-Rees Mogg as Prime Minister. As Theresa May limply danced out of the House of Commons looking 40 years older than she did when she took up the position just three years ago, the country let out a sigh of relief. Finally, we had found a politician who could speak for every underrepresented group in modern Britain; your local suppressed, Latin-speaking Etonian. Democracy had been restored — this was a victory for the normal people. As for Corbyn; we still don’t know what he wants, and have accepted we will probably never find out.

When Liam Fox said a trade deal with the EU would be “one of the easiest in human history”, he was right. It took no time at all to secure a massive order of Blue passports from France. It turned out they were already in production as conveniently the European Union were also converting to navy blue. Sure, Nissan and Dyson have gone, and even Wetherspoons is now being relocated to Spain after Tim Martin decided he fancied retirement in Málaga, but we have the blue passports our great grandfathers lost their lives for. Plus, the EU 27 were absolutely gagging for stock of Heinz Baked Beans and Beef Bovril which consolidated our negotiating position nicely in the no deal world.

Even more economic prosperity was seen after our much anticipated £350 million materialised. Since, we have poured the money into scientific research for the NHS. Although people had originally hoped for a free prescription service, our priority at the minute is fitting doctors and nurses with bionic extra arms to address some pretty immediate unpredictable staffing issues.

Whilst nobody knows exactly what the future holds for prosperous Brexit Britain, there is no uncertainty surrounding Theresa May’s 2022 celebratory party. She has been confirmed as the headliner, promising to bring back her famous Dancing Queen wobble and distribute party bags stuffed with free commemorative 50 pence pieces. However, they are set to be worth around 20 cents when the time comes.