Image by Anna Kerslake- @starryeyeddoodles
By Maja Metera
Th issue of misrepresentation has been studied by researchers for probably just as long as the area of media studies exist. It has covered various types of sexual and racial minoritiesÔÇÖ portrayal in media. This text ÔÇô in a less scholarly but not less educational way ÔÇô will try to explain how film and TV mistreats BDSM and kinky community in their productions. It will talk about adaptations such as 50 Shades of Grey series and 365 Days ÔÇô the latter making me ashamed of being Polish. Both were called hurtful, awfully misogynistic and sexist. But putting that ÔÇô nonetheless very important ÔÇô point of view aside ÔÇô what do they teach the general public about BDSM? But before we dive right into ÔÇ£everything thatÔÇÖs wrong with..ÔÇØ ÔÇô I would like to introduce you to some basic terms and rules that apply in the BDSM community.
What is BDSM?
BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, Domination, Submission, Sadism and Masochism or Sado-Masochism. ItÔÇÖs an umbrella term that covers most sexual/erotic practises that go beyond what is called ÔÇÿvanilla sexÔÇÖ ÔÇô a traditionalised intercourse, sex without elements of authority exchange, roleplay or pain. BDSM involves kinks (practises) and fetishes (non-sexual in nature objects causing arousal) so everything from spanking, choking and foot fetish to more advanced scenarios like beautiful shibari bondage and so so much more. In every dynamic there are two sides ÔÇô Dominant and submissive, Top and bottom, who engage in ÔÇ£playÔÇØ or a ÔÇ£sceneÔÇØ that is not inherently leading to or being a part of sex.
No matter what youÔÇÖre into, BDSM is based on three pillars that make the practise safe. First of all, two or more potential partners engage in negotiations ÔÇô pillar number one ÔÇô during which they establish each otherÔÇÖs limits ÔÇô what they are into, what they are willing to try under specific circumstances and what is off the table completely. Also things like honorifics ÔÇô titles with which they would like to be addressed, health conditions that all parties should be aware of ÔÇô both mental and physical, STI status and often previous partners or experiences are discussed. Then, as everything in sex, each element of the scene needs prior consent – so everyone agrees on the pillar number two ÔÇô safewords. Those are verbal and non-verbal indicators that something is wrong, that the scene needs to be paused or stopped entirely. They can be used by both Dom(me)s and submissives. It is a quick and definitive way of withdrawing consent during play. After the scene, itÔÇÖs time for pillar number three called aftercare ÔÇô cuddles, music, alone time etc ÔÇô that prevents drastic changes in the mood. All those elements make BDSM a form of fun ÔÇô not violence, and stop it from falling into the vicious circle of abuse.
Everything thatÔÇÖs wrong with the 50 Shades
Now that you are a bit more familiar with the rules, you might think ÔÇô what is actually wrong with the series then? She signed a contract! As a person who had a dubious pleasure of reading a first part of the book ÔÇô there is a lot of it and the film did even a worse job that James herself writing it.
First of all, letÔÇÖs focus on the character of Christian Grey. He is a well-established businessman who chooses to find a girl who interview him. He stalks her on multiple occasions ÔÇô at her workplace, when sheÔÇÖs drunk at a club and then shows interest in having sex with her in that state ÔÇô which would be rape. He is multiple times referred to as a ÔÇ£control freakÔÇØ who does not reveal the whole truth about himself to anyone.
He was introduced to BDSM by an older women whose submissive he was. It shows that the abusive manners he has learnt from an experienced member or the kink community. Consequently, it reflects upon the community and BDSM in general making them look like a coverup for sexual violence and abuse. Moreover, later on in the series, he ÔÇÿdominatesÔÇÖ a woman who is threatening Anastasia. The girl quivers and goes onto her knees without a word of objection. This is not okay. This is not how submission works. Christian is no longer her Dominant and has no right to act as if he was. Moreover, being a sub does not indicate acting brainwashed and obedient at all times to anyone. Subs are still individuals with free will.
On the other hand, Anastasia Steal is a shy, young women, a recent university graduate and a virgin who hasnÔÇÖt expressed any sexual interests in the past. I think that it is safe to say that she knows nothing about BDSM. Yes, Ana did sign a contract with Grey. In the book, it was his way of stating what she has to do ÔÇô including following a strict diet, exercising every day and going on a pill so that they donÔÇÖt have to use condoms, and must not do ÔÇô like talk about the nature of their relationship with anyone apart from Christian himself. Toxic much? He also clearly states that he will not sleep in the same bed as her and that ÔÇ£he doesnÔÇÖt make loveÔÇØ. Just to make it clear ÔÇô kinky people are able to have vanilla sex, they just choose not to.
The contract is quite problematic. It seems like it might be considered a form of negotiation as in the book it does includes limits and safewords, however ÔÇô in it is a binding legal document through which Ana didnÔÇÖt go with a lawyer. NegotiationÔÇÖs outcomes can be written down and review but they would not create a legal form. Additionally, in the film, she barely reads it, doesnÔÇÖt ask questions about statements and kinks she doesnÔÇÖt understand nor does she states her own limits. To be fair ÔÇô she has no way of doing so as she has so prior sexual experience. That also means she is not able to give consent that by definition needs to be informed.
Moreover, the relationship portrayed in 50 Shades would be described as an failed attempt at presenting a ÔÇ£24/7 DynamicÔÇØ, meaning that the roles of a Dom and a sub are also used in a day-to-day life. Why failed? Because throughout the story, he forces her to do as he pleases ÔÇô completely disregarding her objections, which would not happen in a healthy real-life situation. On top of that, he constantly pushes her boundaries ÔÇô which you are never meant to do ÔÇô and it is showed as something sexy and exciting.
Nonetheless, it is not the worst portrayal of BDSM in modern media ÔÇô even if the most popular. You donÔÇÖt believe me?
365 Days of a Stockholm Syndrome
In this horrible adaptation of terrible book 365 Days by Bianka Lipi┼äska makes my blood boil when I hear it being called ÔÇÿkinkyÔÇÖ. We follow a story of Laura ÔÇô a badass, self-confident sales director at a luxury hotel, and Massimo ÔÇô an Italian mafioso. We meet him as he violently forces a stewardess on a private plane onto her knees to give him oral sex. Was that supposed to be a some sort of sick foreshadowing?
Laura comes to Italy with her boyfriend and friends. Massimo stalks her on her vacation, drugs and kidnaps her. He takes away her phone and contacts her family to say she got a job offer that she cannot say ÔÇ£noÔÇØ to in Sicily. Thus, nobody is looking for her. Then, when she wakes up ÔÇô he gives her a year to fall in love with him. And it only gets worse from that point. She tries to escape multiple times and doesnÔÇÖt give consent to any of his actions. At least at the beginning.
First red flag is his signature phrase ÔÇô ÔÇ£Are you lost, baby girl?ÔÇØ. It might not be obvious but ÔÇ£baby girlÔÇØ is an honorific for some subs and should not be used without discussing it first. It was a first sign that Massimo doesnÔÇÖt negotiate ÔÇô he doesnÔÇÖt even ask for permission. This film is completely stripped off of any nuance as the Italian boss just puts all of his abusive actions down to his difficult childhood and ÔÇ£being used to taking everything by forceÔÇØ. And he surely does get physical every time she refuses to listen to his orders. When he assaults her by knowingly walking in on her in the changing room, he grabs her by the throat, pushes against the wall and says that he is paying for the lingerie sheÔÇÖs trying on so he will be the one deciding if and when he can see her wear it. Between his outbursts of anger, he tries to bribe her with delicious food and expensive clothes. This ÔÇ£push and pullÔÇØ method messes with her head, makes her not know whatÔÇÖs coming next. This is the cycle of abuse.
Those are all clearly ÔÇÿnot-okayÔÇÖ behaviours but I havenÔÇÖt mentioned them getting sexual yet, have I? Well, first he tries to stimulate her while sheÔÇÖs tied to a chair on the plane. Then, he locks her in a darkened room with himself, terrifies her by handcuffing her by her wrists and ankles to the bed. SheÔÇÖs pulling on them, fighting to leave. In all of those moments he uses sex as a reward or a punishment, manipulates her.
Then, even though she was kidnapped and abused ÔÇô she does fall in love with him. In my humble opinion, she suffers from Stockholm Syndrome ÔÇô a psychological response, a coping mechanism which occurs when hostages or abuse victims bond with their captors or abusers. They start to help them and might mistake this bond for friendship or love.
Just because he used bondage gear to immobilise her, it does not mean that this forsaken ÔÇ£eroticÔÇØ film can be called kinky. This is a show of no respect to the BDSM community. Because of films like 365 Days and 50 Shades of Grey people think about kinksters as of creeps and perverts that like to hurt people for fun ÔÇô because thatÔÇÖs just how powerful the media are.
Light at the end of a tunnel
What I wish for at this point is not to show all the benefits BDSM can have on mental health or how some elements of it should be applied to any sexual encounters. No. Because of all of this misrepresentation, I just wish for it to be destigmatised, shown as something a lot of people enjoy in a healthy way.
ThatÔÇÖs why if you want to see some better (not perfect but better) representation of BDSM, I recommend Netflix original series Bonding with a diverse cast and no signs of physical or emotional abuse. Its main character is a psychology student who works as a professional Dominatrix ÔÇô a woman whose work is fulfilling peoples kinky fantasies in a safe, controlled environment. The show mentions a variety of kinks and fetishes and underlines that they donÔÇÖt really define who we are. Moreover, together with Mistress Mia, also known as Tiff, we learn how much responsibility those erotic workers carry on their shoulders. It shows a glimpse of a healthy, long-term relationship in which one of the partners is involved in this work. We can see also what happens if we repress who we are in our relationship.
ÔÇ£This is not your story to tellÔÇØ ~ Tiff, about comedy show based on stories about DominatrixÔÇÖs work
At the same time, it obviously has its worse moments ÔÇô shows arguments in which people say way too much ÔÇô and I am by no means settling for that. However, it is the best I have seen so far, easy to watch and funny. And I couldnÔÇÖt agree more with Tiff – we should let communities speak for themselves instead of using their stories and profit off of their misrepresentation.
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