HereÔÇÖs something of a confession for you all: I love saying horrible things about the people in my life. 

I love sitting down with friends to dissect everything we hate about our other friends.

I love playing armchair psychologist and listing every questionable thing anyoneÔÇÖs ever done.┬á

I love the drama of it, the gossip, and the pat on the back we give ourselves for being such wonderful people by comparison.

I am, in short, awful.

But one thing from all of these slating sessions has been haunting me, that old phrase – they need to take a good hard look at themselves. When we talk about this ÔÇÿlookÔÇÖ – itÔÇÖs not about doing those things we tend to do when we think about self improvement. ItÔÇÖs not about going to the gym or reading more books, itÔÇÖs about the way we treat other people. It’s about putting the thought and effort in when the person who benefits isnÔÇÖt you. ItÔÇÖs about how our actions impact those around us.┬á

Personally, I find this type of reflection to be the hardest. No one wants to admit that theyÔÇÖve hurt someone. To be lazy, disorganised, or ignorant is fairly easy to admit to, but when weÔÇÖve been the villain – selfish, hypocritical, or uncaring – we tend to get very defensive, very quickly. ItÔÇÖs quite depressing really; in an age so focused on social improvement and acceptance we seem to have confused our methods, opting for witch-hunts and cancel-culture without turning any scrutiny to ourselves. 

In an attempt to regain my sense of moral innocence, IÔÇÖve been thinking about what it means to be kind. For most of my life, IÔÇÖve categorised myself as a kind person for the things I donÔÇÖt do: I donÔÇÖt start fights, I donÔÇÖt forget peopleÔÇÖs birthdays, and I donÔÇÖt say mean things to peopleÔÇÖs faces. Does this make me kind, or rather, just a bit of a coward? Does our intention matter when classifying our actions as good? Without getting too philosophical, I think the real kindness come from the things we do actively. 

I have a friend who makes notes of important days in other peoples lives as well as her own, so she remembers to send them messages of love and support. I had always done it for peoples birthdays, but she took it to an extra level I had never considered – exams, funerals, moving days – she would remeber to let you know she was a friend. All it took was a small note in the diary, but it amazed me that she bothered with this unrequired level of kindness, and made me think about how often I go a little further in my friendships than that basic level of care to simply maintain them. 

I could go on with examples of the people in my life who go above and beyond in their kindness without expecting anything in return. These people have always been the ones I look up to most. Two of my favourite films, Legally Blonde and Paddington 2, might seem entirely unconnected, but theyÔÇÖre both essentially about kindness and how wonderful the world starts to look when we really care about each other.┬á

So I guess my new years resolution is fairly obvious. Ironically, last year I resolved to stop being a pushover, but I donÔÇÖt think kindness and saying no from time to time are mutually exclusive. It might be hard to admit to moral wrongdoing, but it is, as iÔÇÖve articulated over many a session of bitching, the only way to get better.┬á

Charlotte Harris