Words by Alice Lumley
I came out as non-binary at the end of my first semester at University. I was sat at my friendÔÇÖs kitchen table, at some ridiculous hour surrounded by my favourite people – possibly the best environment to come out in. It was still terrifying. The looks on all my friends’ faces of love, confusion, shock and also acceptance are ones I wonÔÇÖt ever forget. I remember thinking to myself ÔÇÿno matter how much everyone says they get it, no one will, IÔÇÖm doing this alone.ÔÇÖ Regardless of who youÔÇÖre surrounded by and where you are, the journey of accepting yourself, coming out and processing everything about that is one of the hardest journeys someone will ever have to do. To be honest, I donÔÇÖt wish it on anyone – life would be so much easier if we were all born knowing exactly who we are – but as we all know, life does not work like that. I was lucky enough to have a group of fantastic friends who werenÔÇÖt afraid to ask awkward questions and tried very hard to make sure I always felt welcomed – gendered language was quickly dissolved, boundaries were established and pronouns were unlearned and then relearned. But, well-meaning cisgender/straight people were not the only people I needed to be surrounded by – I needed to find some people who had shared experiences with me.
I had only met one other non-binary person before coming out. I thought that non-binary people were a rare find – it was only once I came out that I realised there was a whole untapped community that I hadnÔÇÖt had the privilege of meeting. A year later, I have maybe two straight, cisgender friends. I have, once again, had the immense luck to find the loveliest people to surround myself with. IÔÇÖve found them in strange places, such as The KingsÔÇÖ toilets, to CAVC art college, my lectures and trans right protests. Being part of the LGBTQ+ community, especially during such a pivotal and polarising political landscape, requires a level of fearlessness. I just had to do something I hate doing – being extroverted, meeting new people and being a bit brave.
The first non-binary person I properly met at uni had introduced themselves to me, asked my name and pronouns – and I hesitated to answer. I did not engage in conversation with them properly, as I was having a full on gender crisis – so after I came out, the first thing I did was message them and I said something along the lines of ÔÇÿyou were right to question my gender IÔÇÖm non-binary please be my friendÔÇÖ and now we are, and I donÔÇÖt think theyÔÇÖll ever realise how much knowing them means to me.
To get closer with the Cardiff Uni queer community, and the wider Cardiff queer community required some humility, and to some extent some self-acceptance – and that takes time for everyone, but itÔÇÖs always worth it. The pain was worth it, and the awkward introductions and forgotten conversations are always worth it.
