Words by Genevieve Gunn
IÔÇÖve known that I was gay ever since I understood what the word ÔÇÿgayÔÇÖ meant. I must have been, what ÔÇô about 13? Or maybe 14? Realising that I liked girls was the easy part. Realising that I didnÔÇÖt like men, however, was so much harder to accept. Following this, I spent many a night mourning the life I had envisioned for myself, with a husband, a family and maybe even a few pets. Everything I thought I needed, that I thought I had wanted, was no longer possible. For it wouldnÔÇÖt allow me to live my life authentically, I would be living a lie. I was a lesbian.
Looking back, this was such an incredibly dramatic and over-the-top reaction ÔÇô but I would like to reiterate that I was a teenager with an overactive imagination. More than anything though, I think this attests to how comfortable and secure I have come to be in my identity. I would not want to be anybody else, no less a straight version. This has obviously taken years of work; I can still remember how nervous and scared I was to tell my parents. I cornered my Mum when the rest of my family were out and told her: ÔÇ£I like girls, donÔÇÖt ask me any questions,ÔÇØ before promptly trying to leave the room. I always knew that they would accept me but it was still such a difficult thing to do.
Telling my friends was noticeably easier, mostly because we were all in the same throes of questioning our identities and the very fabric of what makes us, us. I guess birds of a feather really do flock together. Despite this short timeline of events, it took me so much longer to come out to the rest of my peers. I first planned to come out when I turned 16 (didnÔÇÖt happen), then I decided to come out should I get a girlfriend (spoiler alert: that also didnÔÇÖt happen).
So, I took it one step further and came out on TV.
I applied to appear on the first season of Teen First Dates, a spinoff of its namesake: First Dates, and to my surprise, and I think to the surprise of literally everyone else I told ÔÇô I got on. I appeared on a date with a girl (obviously), and that was that. The big secret was out. It was such a monumental event in my life, that I kind of expected a similar reaction, but I didnÔÇÖt get that. Which I must say, is completely normal. I had no social media so there was no way of really reaching me unless you had my number, and I was in sixth form, so I think that everyone around was mature enough not to approach me and ask any questions. Unfortunately, I am aware that things were said behind closed doors, but that happens.
There was also no sudden sense of community for me that I deeply yearned for; I was fluctuating between friend groups, and as far as I was aware, most of my classmates were straight. At times it felt like I was the only lesbian in my vicinity, which I know was not true but it sure as hell was lonely. IÔÇÖve only really now managed to find my community and queer friends at university, where I am surrounded by like-minded people in a much friendlier city.
My advice to people questioning and/or thinking about coming out? It gets easier, youÔÇÖll probably be doing it for the rest of your life but in time itÔÇÖll come naturally to you.
