Words by Katie Brosnan
External validation is an addictive drug. Whether you seek it from dating apps, social media or in person, it can either leave you feeling delighted or disgusted. As a result, seeking external validation can make you engage in a pattern of toxic cycles until you feel that bit better. Social media normalises these cycles too; weÔÇÖve all heard of Hot Girl Summer or Feral Girl Fall and whilst they do encourage you to live your best life, these trends also pressure young women to seek validation from sex. ThereÔÇÖs nothing wrong with having a Hot Girl Summer, IÔÇÖve Hot Girl Summered many a time and had fun but seeking validation from sex or dating apps probably is not the healthiest option. In my experience dating apps are fun; you can sleep with people with no strings attached, treat it like a game of ÔÇÿHot or NotÔÇÖ, have a fun little chat, play a game of Tinder bingo, and then just move on to the next. As much as this sounds like a heartless approach, itÔÇÖs more of a safekeeping one. If I donÔÇÖt take it seriously, neither will the boys I match with and then everyoneÔÇÖs happy. A few of my friends take this approach too because itÔÇÖs easy (plus catching feelings would ruin our hot girl summer). But again, thereÔÇÖs so much pressure to not catch feelings and some of us are certified lover girls (not me, you lot stay safe though).Some of us just cannot have meaningless sex so seek external validation in other forms, like online from Instagram likes or having a little smooch with a stranger when youÔÇÖre going out-out. Whichever way you get validation is fine, so long as it makes you genuinely happy girlies.
We all feel the need for external validation, whether itÔÇÖs from one specific person or many people but why do we feel this need? Sometimes it can stem from insecurity or rejection. With dating apps making dating seem like thereÔÇÖs a whole world of other people who are better looking than you, it is no wonder we all feel a bit insecure sometimes. Social media exacerbates this, providing another competition for attention with everyone posting their ÔÇ£best selvesÔÇØ. But with both dating apps and social media, it is important to remember that it is exactly that; everyone posting their best selves. No one is going to post an ugly selfie on their Tinder, so you can feel less insecure when you compare someoneÔÇÖs profile to you looking a bit gross after work or uni. With rejection, it can be harder to find ways of dealing with it. Obviously, no one feels great when someone says ÔÇ£hey girlie! I donÔÇÖt like youÔÇØ but at the end of the day there are other boys (or girls) to date and/or shag so remind yourself that itÔÇÖs not that a big of a deal. Rejection in person can be a bit harder to deal with though, especially after that date that you thought went really well, and it can be quite difficult to pick yourself back up from.. Whenever me or my friends feel the need to be told how unbelievably gorgeous we are after being rejected, we go for the classic Instagram story pic. It never fails and after we can sit there, glowing with confidence and giggling at all the silly boysÔÇÖ replies. ItÔÇÖs a tried and tested method which I know most girls use too.. However, in these cases external validation may not be enough to make you feel good again and a little self-care night with your girlies is needed.
Seeking external validation is a tricky thing to balance. As IÔÇÖve said earlier it can make you feel one of two extremes: great or gross. The various forms we get it from like Tinder and social media are addictive because everyone likes to feel pretty, but the negative sides of needing to be validated are often not worth it.
