By Phoebe Bowers
Ever just laid there? Feeling: ashamed, naked, sweaty – feeling surprisingly empty? In my experience, so much anticipation can arise before the event, awkward flirtations, maneuvers, talk, yet so little feels gained after? You question why you even bother to keep blindly sifting across the human catalogue of Tinder, Hinge, Grindr, Bumble, *insert whatever soulless app is appropriate to your life*, when afterwards you are not satisfied and feel purely numb? Introducing: aftercare.
In a university setting hook-up culture can be part of the fun. Assuming both (or more) parties are consenting, there is solace in being able to have sex and agreeingly never talking to each other or having to see each other ever again. After the deed is done, often it is an impulse to flee the crime scene – though this may not actually be the best idea. It is time we stop being so coy and embrace aftercare. For those who are unfamiliar, this is a post-coital activity that can range from providing hydration and snacks to providing clothing, cuddling, cleaning sex toys, just chatting, watching a movie, washing each other, or offering a safe space for the other person. Aftercare can be particularly important after rough sex or BDSM but should really be practiced after any sexual act. If the idea of spending time with the person after sex actually repulses you, it is time to realise you should not be having sex with that person. It will not do you any favours, nor them. Of course some may need alone time after and this is fine as long as this is communicated and all parties feel content.
‘For those who are unfamiliar, this is a post-coital activity that can range from providing hydration and snacks to providing clothing, cuddling, cleaning sex toys, just chatting, watching a movie, washing each other, or offering a safe space for the other person’
Psychologically, it makes sense why aftercare is so important; it is whatÔÇÖs needed to make sure we donÔÇÖt crash after that chemical rush. In Well and GoodÔÇÖs article ÔÇÿSexual Aftercare IsnÔÇÖt Just a BDSM ThingÔÇÖ it includes insight from sexologist Shamyra Howard. Howard states that aftercare is needed to regulate the dissipation of chemicals such as oxytocin, dopamine, and prolactin which are released during sex. And with this, interaction after sex can completely alter how someone can view the experience overall but also influence feelings of security within themselves. I want to make it clear that not every sexual encounter should be on some level romantically meaningful, this does absolutely not need to be the case. However, even with no romantic attachment or commitment all parties must feel comfortable and secure.
For those in relationships, aftercare is not: going on your phone and ignoring the other person, leaving them alone in bed and going on your games console or computer and not looking at them, getting only yourself food and drink. Do not just move onto the next thing. Aftercare is not an individual act, but if one would like space, like stated before, this should be communicated beforehand. Just because you are in the status of a relationship does not mean you should stop continually putting in the effort in the bedroom and what comes after. Ultimately whether the other person is your partner, friend with benefits or hook-up, the expectation that theyÔÇÖll ÔÇÿshow themselves outÔÇÖ is not acceptable either. Consider aftercare as closure, sex doesnÔÇÖt end with orgasm. If one party did not orgasm aftercare may be especially needed. They may want to communicate what could help them to get there next time or a chat could make them feel comfortable enough to enjoy themselves further. On the whole, aftercare is only a show of kindness and respect. It does not need to be anything more
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