Art By Sian Hopkins
University is right around the corner again, and after a long time in lockdown, so might be hookup culture! For this week’s topic, we collected several testimonials from Cardiff University students to discuss the intricacies of hookup culture.
Hookup culture is often misunderstood
If your problem with hookup culture is getting cold sores from a sweaty strobe-lit meathead, the culture is not the problem: your assumptions are.
Anyone with a modicum of sense doesn’t need the platitudes. Yes, hookup culture isn’t for everyone. Yes, being a virgin is nothing to be ashamed of. My problem is that, for some, the term hookup culture summons the cacophony of sticky dancefloors, bad music, and worst of all, everyone else enjoying themselves. The tinnitus rings in their ears and they dismiss hookup culture because they don’t identify with it. It’s just not me, they say. I know this position well because it was my own, once. But I made a fatal error: I conflated hookup culture with club culture.
Here’s a novel idea. If your problem with hookup culture is getting cold sores from a sweaty strobe-lit meathead, the culture is not the problem: your assumptions are. Contrary to popular belief, intelligent and stimulating people also have casual sex. Ask one of them out. I’ve spent the night with women who have broadened and challenged my understanding of the world. Whether we hooked up once or a few times, we parted without issue because we established needs and boundaries beforehand. With goals and healthy communication, hookup culture is whatever you make of it.
Sex is a powerful experience and it’s not just the ecstasy that makes it so: it’s the subtext. It means something, and that’s not just wistful pillow talk. Sex with a respectable partner is an achievement that requires self-confidence and self-awareness. It’s a triumph over an insecurity we’ve all experienced: that we are undesirable, unconvincing, and ineffectual impostors. Don’t write off the pilgrimage of sexual liberty because of a caricature.
By Mike O’Brien
Hookup culture is a time of experiments
As an international student from India I was not prepared for hookup culture, but warmed up to the idea
I was both excited and anxious to begin my life at university, after being under my parent’s guidance for nearly twenty years. Starting university procured me with a sense of freedom and boldness.
I was honestly not prepared for hookup culture at university, being an international student from India, but soon, I warmed to the idea, as I was away and free from my culture. I vividly, remember going clubbing the first times here. That’s where I was first exposed to hookups and all I could see was people kissing and making out everywhere!
I had my own set of experiences but quickly realized that hookups made me feel fulfilled and happy just in the moment. I learned it the hard way that no matter how hard I was trying, one way or the other, those situations ended up clashing up with emotions and feelings. Casual sex and relationships come with their own weight of insecurities and deceptions. If I were to be questioned six months ago, I would have strongly stated how easy it is to have casual sex and relationships. At that point, I was exploring my freedom and did everything my parents wouldn’t approve of! Nonetheless, hookups are a personal choice and just like any other relationship no one’s opinion matters but yours.
By Muskan Arora
Hookup culture is a way to figure yourself out
I am a relationship girl, and not a one-nighter person.
I was warned by many older friends, through the pages of glossy magazines and online forums that university is all about finding out who you are and what you want, whether that is a long term relationship, a new bloke to hook up with every Wednesday in the SU or nothing at all. I started university with the pleasure of having a supportive boyfriend a mere 1 hr 45m train journey away, but this all changed in second year when we decided it was best to part ways.
Suddenly, I was surrounded by the feeling of dread, and anguish as I entered the club dance floors as this newly single woman, who can do as she pleases. I could make out with any of the guys who took my fancy, I could graft my way into a relationship through the likes of Tinder and Bumble, but I just couldn’t resemble this free woman I wanted to be. I was still moping around, trying to distract myself from how I was feeling.
While I am all for ‘hooking’ up and getting to know new people, I much prefer feeling content within myself than actively seeking something that may only last a day. It is safe to say, I am a relationship girl and not a one-nighter person. I value the deeper feelings things like late-night conversations and date nights can procure over just feeling pleasure and satisfaction for 30 minutes after a sweaty session dancing my way into a guy’s heart, only for the next day they’re prying after someone else. To be honest, I am happy I experienced uni in a relationship as well as single and I now feel better equipped to deal with what life throws my way in the future.
By Megan Evans
Hookup culture might just not be for everyone
Just because it’s what everyone else seems to be doing, it doesn’t mean you should pressure yourself to do the same.
Hook up culture was one of the first things that sprung out to me within the first week of university. You’re suddenly living independently, and you can do what you like, including bringing people home from nights out, going on dates, and having no-strings-attached relationships.
But for some of us, that hasn’t happened, it might not happen, and that means coming to terms with being somewhat of an anomaly. It’s difficult to see your flatmates or housemates partaking in on-and-off relationships and one-night stands as though it comes naturally to them when somehow, you’ve never been able to crack the code. How do they do it? How are they not scared to go on a tinder date with a total stranger? What am I missing?
It’s important to remember that there’s nothing wrong with you for not following the crowd when it comes to casual relationships, friends with benefits and one-night stands. Just because it’s what everyone else seems to be doing, it doesn’t mean you should pressure yourself to do the same. Remember that your university experience is directed by you. You get to decide what you want to do. It isn’t something to shy away from and the benefits of putting yourself out there hopefully outweigh the negatives, but there’s no shame in not wanting to be a part of it.
If you prefer to get to know someone organically, that’s fine. If you’re the romantic type, that’s nothing to be ashamed of. If you’re comfortable hooking up with someone with no-strings, that’s okay too. Hook up culture being the norm doesn’t mean it has to be the template for your own personal relationships. Ultimately, the whole point of hook up culture is to have fun, so do what you feel comfortable with.
By Sîan Jones
It’s pretty safe to say many people experience hookup culture differently. Spotlight strives to expand our understanding of love, sex, and relationships, and so we won’t conclude that one standpoint is better than the others. We’re just happy to see people advocate for their needs and their desires, with respect for each other. We’d like to conclude with this statement:
Instagram: @quenchlove