This article about vaginismus and vulvodynia is the third of a series created for sexual health week.
By Laura Dazon
We had been together for six months, and after another fruitless attempt at having sex, my ex-boyfriend sighed those words.
“I wish you were normal”
Growing up as a girl, I had heard the classic warnings about sex, desperately clinging onto any information that older, more experienced friends could pass onto me. Losing your virginity as a heterosexual woman was this obligatory rite of passage, an uncomfortable happening you only had to breathe out to get through. I was expecting pain. So, when I felt like a piece of glass was being shoved into me, I believed it was normal. I could only wonder between tears how so many women before me went through this hell. At this point we stopped. My partner hadn’t even been able to get into me.
It was only my first time, so I brushed it off. I was just tensed. It was normal.
This first time marked the beginning of a cycle of traumatic failed attempts, each one murdering my body a little more. I simply wasnÔÇÖt able to have penetrative sex without excruciating pain. I became afraid of sex. Everyone around me seemed to enjoy it. I was alone, abnormal, feeling like only the shadow of a woman.
Vaginismus, vulvodynia, and health struggles for women
I quickly stumbled upon the words vaginismus and vulvodynia online. Through other womenÔÇÖs testimonials, I started putting the pieces together. Growing up I was never able to wear a tampon, despite many tries, and my sex life at this point was a complete failure. My symptoms aligned with medical definitions, and fast enough I was convinced these were the conditions tormenting me:
Vaginismus is a condition whereby the vagina suddenly tightens up just as you try to insert something into it. It can make penetration painful, uncomfortable and/or impossible. Vulvodynia is persistent, unexplained pain in the vulva. It can be unprovoked and continuous, or provoked from sexual intercourse.
I was so relieved to finally can point at a possible cause. This meant I was not alone, and there was a chance for me to heal. Thrilled, I phoned the nearest gynecology facility.
Yet, my first appointment to the gynaecologist was underwhelming, to say the least. The gynecologist quickly peaked at my intimacy, affirmed everything looked normal to her, and sent me home affirming I just needed to relax and use lube. I left crying.
The difficult part about getting a diagnosis for conditions such as vaginismus and vulvodynia is that they are mostly invisible. Many things can cause them: nerve damage, pelvic floor dysfunction, certain infections. But unless a doctor trusts you enough to take things further and run a battery of tests, you’ll be left in a haze. The pain was there, screaming in my body, but silent to others. Many doctors dismissed my symptoms entirely. My ex consulted a sex therapist in secret who accused me of fabricating my condition. Unfortunately, youÔÇÖll meet many unprofessional gynaecologists who will brush off your concerns and advise you to relax and use lube, just like they did to me. But please, don’t stop there, and seek further treatment and care.
Losing your virginity as a heterosexual woman was this obligatory rite of passage, an uncomfortable happening you only had to breathe out to get through.
There is a real struggle for women when it comes to getting a diagnosis concerning sexual health. Studies lack, and medical professionals are not systematically educated about them. For decades, the male body was the standard in terms of medical research, resulting in a gender health gap. Picture that: the anatomy of the clitoris was only fully discovered in 1998. Just imagine how late sexual health studies for women are, then, compared to men. Furthermore, womenÔÇÖs symptoms are more likely to be ignored and belittled. We are being told we are overreacting, making our pain up, looking for attention even, by no less than doctors, people who should actually be understanding. This tendency to overlook womenÔÇÖs symptoms leaves many undiagnosed, suffering in silence, in the best case scenario. In the worse one, it kills them.
A student at Cardiff University suffering from vaginismus and who wishes to remain anonymous says:
ÔÇÿSex seems like something you wonÔÇÖt be able to experience properly, so I can imagine others feel awful about themselves especially if they donÔÇÖt know what it is. I hate how at school we learn nothing like this and to be honest through life itÔÇÖs made so tabooÔÇÖ
Your pain is legitimate. You have to listen to it, and you have to fight to be heard.
My healing journey
According to my doctor, I have healed exceptionally fast from vaginismus. To this day, I still have symptoms of provoked vulvodynia, but for the most part, the problem is behind me, and I have a fulfilling and functioning sex life.
According to me, I healed so fast for three reasons:
- I was scared
When I started scouring through medical forums for answers, I stumbled upon many cases of women who had been suffering from these conditions for years. Sometimes decades. I thought I was doomed. Fear kicked my butt.
- I am a people pleaser
I wish I could say my first relationship, and hence the first partner I had to manage vaginismus and vulvodynia with were providing me a safe environment. It wasnÔÇÖt the case. I donÔÇÖt think my first partner was evil, I think he was unprepared, and unable to deal with the situation healthily. He accused my body of rejecting him, when I had no control over it. I did everything I could to prove him wrong, going from doctor’s appointment to doctor’s appointment. I wanted to heal at all costs to save our relationship. It was toxic. I did not save our relationship. I healed, however.
- I got lucky
I think my case wasnÔÇÖt amongst the most severe. I got lucky because my symptoms were manageable, and I lived in a country where healthcare was affordable ÔÇô free for the most part. I also was able to read English fluently, which helped tremendously as most resources and research I found were in English.
What helped me
- To get a diagnosis and effective treatment
Find your motivation. Mine was fear and being a people pleaser. Although maybe not the healthiest, they proved effective. Today, IÔÇÖm fighting for my own comfort and health.
Go hard or go home. My first appointment with an actual good gynaecologist was concluded with ÔÇÿstart with a few massages, take it easy, and weÔÇÖll see next timeÔÇÖ. I refused categorically. I had made my research, I knew what I wanted to try, and I advocated for myself. I got out with an arm-long prescription, feeling proud of myself.
Find a doctor you trust. I met many gynaecologists that dismissed my symptoms entirely and were not gentle with my body, when I specifically told them I wasnÔÇÖt comfortable with being touched. DonÔÇÖt go back to them if you can. If a doctor refuses to listen to your pain, but you know there is something wrong, insist.
Follow your treatment. Not everything will work. Stick to it unless it makes your symptoms worse, or does nothing after several weeks/months. Seek advise from medical professional in this case.
- To feel better and understand my body
Get a mirror and have a look. Contrary to women, men can easily have a look at their own genitals. It took me most of my life to actually know what was going on down there. I had no idea, nor ever felt the need to look. Knowing my body and seeing it allowed me to feel more in control of it.
Get rid of anyone who pressures you into having sex when you canÔÇÖt and/or are not ready. If your partner ever tells you he wishes you were normal, dump them. If they make you feel like a failure for something you have no control over, get out. I wish I could go back and stand up for myself, understanding that I didnÔÇÖt deserve to be treated with less respect because of my conditions.
Join support groups, share your story. ThereÔÇÖs plenty on Facebook and Reddit. Reading womenÔÇÖs experiences and seeing them helping each other genuinely changed my life. Having them guide me through my own troubles has always been a deep source of comfort when I felt no one could understand.
Knowing my body and seeing it, allowed me to feel more in control of it.
Go step by step. Vaginismus and vulvodynia can be extremely traumatic experiences that can result in a profound discomfort with your own sexuality. Certain treatments will trigger this discomfort, and itÔÇÖs okay. The only thing I was able to insert inside of me at first was a Q-tip. ItÔÇÖll take time, but youÔÇÖll get there. Purchase a set of dilators if you can afford it.
Moisturize. A symptom often associated with these conditions is dryness. A gynaecologist can prescribe you a cream for that.
Wear comfortable underwear. Those conditions tend to make you more prone to infections, itÔÇÖs important to take care of your intimate flora.
Read everything you can on the topic. I never felt more in control as to when I started really understanding what was going on with my body.
- To have sex
Understand the concept of first time is mostly a symbolic construction. I had plenty of sexual first times, and canÔÇÖt pinpoint to the exact point I had ÔÇÿdone itÔÇÖ like so many do. Vaginismus can take away this experience from you. But the road to healing is full of small victories, and many first times. I will say, the first time without any pain was an extremely emotional moment for me.
Use lube. Lots of lube.
Go slowly.
Try and find positions that allow you to feel in control of the situation.
Communicate with your partner(s). When youÔÇÖre ready to experience sex again, itÔÇÖs important to know how to communicate your needs and boundaries to your partner(s). Not everyone will understand, and be gentle enough, nor respect your body. If it hurts, stop. There is no shame to that, and your partner should respect it.
I wish I could go back and stand up for myself, understanding that I didnÔÇÖt deserve to be treated with less respect because of my conditions.
1 out of 10 women
I was sceptical at first as to whether or not I should write this article anonymously. But I think doing so would undermine my message. I want you to know those conditions affect the women around you. I might be your colleague, your classmate, a passer-by. I am no less of a woman because I needed medical attention to have a functional sex life.
My story is one of 1 out of 10 women who experience, or will experience painful sex at some point in her life. ItÔÇÖs a lonely condition, surrounded by people silently going through the same hardship. Our pain is legitimate, and we deserve to be heard. If you are suffering from those conditions or think you could be suffering from them, hang in there. I know it might seem like you’re never gonna be normal, or worthy as a partner. Contrary to what you might hear around, your worth as a woman is not defined by your vagina. You need to take your time to heal, physically and emotionally, from the grief of a body that wasn’t always like you hoped it be, but that is constantly doing its best nonetheless. In the meantime, you have so much more to offer and so much more to experience than sex.
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