Friendship breakups on occasion hurt more than romantic ones do. Is it that something goes fatally wrong or do people simply just grow apart?
My best-friend cheated on me. The man involved is irrelevant, I did not care about what he did, I was already done with him. It was her. Her choice of him over me, her dismissal of why I was upset, the screaming matches and the days of crying. Months later, our last interaction before she moved hundreds of miles away was her taking care of a very drunk, very sad me. We said it was stupid how we stopped being friends, but we never became friends again.
A few years later I had another of my closest friends simply grow apart from me. They got into a relationship and slowly, distance crept between the two of us. It was almost natural, and even though we met up still and there was so much love between us, we just grew away from one another. The toughest part of any breakup is when the familiarity wears off. ItÔÇÖs the polite conversations with that person, where halfway through you realize at some point that was your person, and now theyÔÇÖre just an acquaintance you sometimes dread running into.
Platonic break-ups, I realized, hurt more when you realize all the things you know about someone that is now a stranger. Seeing the friend I grew apart from is odd, itÔÇÖs unnatural, because my initial reaction is of excitement; I feel the need to tell them everything about my life but this is not my friend anymore.
When you break-up with a partner there is the element of moving on, of finding someone else, because usually a partner occupies a certain spot that only another partner could fill. But a friend cannot just be replaced. You will have so many friends through life and yet every single one creates a new space in your life, a different level of intimacy.
I canÔÇÖt say I ever got entirely over my friendship break-ups. With first friend I always wished it never happened, but if we tried to get over her betrayal, we would have just ended up growing apart from each other, like me and my second friend did. Relationships of all kinds have “expiration” dates, and sometimes it is better to break from a person so you can heal, and not end up resenting each other for growing apart.
Relationships of all kinds have ÔÇ£expirationÔÇØ dates, and sometimes it is better to break from a person so you can heal, and not end up resenting each other for growing apart.
Ultimately, ending a friendship hurts and it feels strange because we like to imagine that everyone we meet will be in our lives forever. But thatÔÇÖs not the case. People will be in and out of your life, and whether they ever end up coming back, the best way to get over it is to cherish the memories you had as just that -memories of a stranger you used to know really well.
Francesca Ionescu
I had no idea our friendship was both so abnormal and special until I came to university. So abnormal that her Mum had given my Mum her maternity clothes as they were both born 9 months before me. We had stayed as a friendship group of three for close to 15 years by the time university came around, something I realized that most people didnÔÇÖt have.
I guess I have no idea where to start because our friendship didnÔÇÖt fall apart all at once but gradually, without me knowing at times. There is nobody to blame, it just happened.
Maybe I agree now that twos company and threes a crowd. My earliest memory of feeling heart broken is when they did things without me, there was always an imbalance, and someone was always left behind. With this heart break I understood why a member of the group was so upset when two of us ended up at the same university without them. This wasnÔÇÖt purposeful and we didnÔÇÖt handle it well at the time, I wish I had reached out more to the part of the friendship at the other side of the country, though we were all finding ourselves in new cities. But finding myself away from them was the hardest, but necessary thing I have ever done.
I think it is the closest to a divorce I hope I will ever get, there was 17 entire years to unpack and a family member, our other friend in the three, to consider. We always bickered but I thought little of it until our lives become so entirely separate. We were like siblings; we knew exactly what buttons to push in arguments and clung to each other until we no longer needed to.
The last argument hurt the most, but it was hardly an argument, more an end of a contract. She listed my every flaw that annoyed her, and I sat and took it. I think that is the worst bit, we knew one anotherÔÇÖs absolute worst sides and brought the worst out in each other. I think it is the most toxic relationship IÔÇÖll ever have and one I will never get over. I think of her nearly every single day.
I think it is the most toxic relationship IÔÇÖll ever have and one I will never get over. I think of her nearly every single day.
I think of her when Talking Heads play, or when thereÔÇÖs a new gig we would have gone to and whenever an old memory pops up, which is nearly every single day. She came to all my family parties and at one point we spent every day together, it was so hard to lose her. I tried to find reason, was it that we had spent too much time together? Was it our clashing star signs? I have feared Virgos since. Did I try too hard in the end? Did I not try hard enough?
As a three, we didnÔÇÖt handle body issues correctly, family issues or toxic relationships, but we were children acting as if we were adults. I like to think if we met now, it would be different, I would love and heal them differently and it would be okay. Though each of us holds the hurt that we werenÔÇÖt there for each other when it mattered most. I donÔÇÖt even think she knows who I am anymore, maybe if we met now, we would be friends. Though we were always so different.
I donÔÇÖt reach out anymore, I remember that she doesnÔÇÖt want to hear from me, or at least acts like it. As a three we always spoke of who would have children first and its weird to think she probably wonÔÇÖt be my childrenÔÇÖs Aunty anymore: she might not even be at my wedding. But I like to think I have made peace with that. It took nearly two years to heal but I did. Not that I was perfect either.
I knew I was healing because seeing her out with our old friends no longer made me bitter but seeing her happy was as good as it got. I sing her praises to whoever asks about her, listing her every achievement and fail to mention we donÔÇÖt really speak anymore. I think it would be just as abnormal to them to hear it.
Closure came with giving away the last birthday present she had given me; it was a book, but it reminded me all too much of everything I had given to hold onto her. I had pretended to love the series the book had been made into just to have something in common to talk with her about. I treasured the book with her neatly written ÔÇ£happy birthdayÔÇØ note inside until it wasnÔÇÖt just a birthday message. It was the last part of her that held meaning but she wasnÔÇÖt dead, very much alive. Just not talking to me.
This year was the first of her birthdays I didnÔÇÖt spend with her, and it felt like a day of mourning. The three went to an event after it, but I wasnÔÇÖt there. I am not sure if we are a three anymore or will ever be a three again.
Hope Docherty
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