Trigger Warning: mentions of rape, sexual assault, violence and homophobia
This opinion piece is by Kate Waldock
Over the past few days, the UK has been in a growing turmoil. Sarah Everard, a 33 year old woman, disappeared as she walked home┬áin South London. As the days went by there was a growing murmur of worry. We all know from crime television shows that after the first 24 hours a person is reported missing, the odds that they will be found alive and well are slim. Unfortunately, our worries proved valid and her body was found by police in a woodland in Kent more than a week after the disappearance. A police officer, PC Wayne Couzens,┬áwas charged with her murder. The hashtag┬á#NotAllMen┬átrended almost immediately after it came out that theyÔÇÖd found her body. It brought my attention to the fact that many cisgender men were upset, personally offended even, by the mere suggestion that all men should pay attention to the high levels of assault and the expressed fears of women.┬á┬áAs horrific as the news was that a woman had been killed in a way that women fear every single time they leave the house alone, it wasnÔÇÖt altogether that surprising. This is because weÔÇÖve been taught since we were young that our safety from men was our responsibility to bear. This isnÔÇÖt about you (cis men), this is about us.┬á
As young girls, we learnt to scream ÔÇ£Fire!ÔÇØ instead of ÔÇ£rapeÔÇØ, because that would bring people to the scene much faster. ÔÇÿBoys will be boysÔÇÖ, whilst girls suffer the consequences. WeÔÇÖve been told that our skirts were too short, so it might distract the boys from their work. I vividly remember when my female classmates and I were finally ÔÇ£allowedÔÇØ to wear trousers in our school uniforms, but the compromise we were going to have to make was on the length of our skirts. A withering senior teacher admonished us because the length of our skirts had all too often distracted the male teaching staff and boys who were just simply trying to get on with school and work. I was furious, I wanted to write about it and put it up on the school blog but of course no such thing ever happened. I quickly came to learn that this was just one event in my life where myself and other women would receive the blame for the desires of men.
Over the years IÔÇÖve gathered a lot of different, very poor advice from ÔÇ£well-meaningÔÇØ men who seek to tell me what we women can do to protect ourselves from the actions of men. DonÔÇÖt wear clothing that will entice men. DonÔÇÖt wear clothing that doesnÔÇÖt accentuate your body because that doesnÔÇÖt adhere to societies beauty standards and you wonÔÇÖt find a partner. DonÔÇÖt talk to strange men. Talk politely to men who speak to you on the street because they might protect you and theyÔÇÖre just being friendly. However, donÔÇÖt be overly nice to men if you donÔÇÖt want to sleep with them because thatÔÇÖs being a tease and blue balls is a real thing. DonÔÇÖt get pregnant. DonÔÇÖt use a condom because it doesnÔÇÖt feel as good and a manÔÇÖs pleasure is a higher priority. The list of contradictory ÔÇ£adviceÔÇØ could go on for pages and pages, all with the design to keep women in neat little boxes for the consumption of men. If youÔÇÖre reading this and recognise this ÔÇ£adviceÔÇØ, youÔÇÖre probably a woman. Or else youÔÇÖre actually a cisgender man whoÔÇÖs tried to tell women this.┬á
If youÔÇÖre that cisgender man, check yourself. Women simply cannot do all of these things and keep an identity of their own, outside of living as just a commodity for male pleasure. Nor should we be expected to. At what point does a woman turn around and go, ÔÇÿwell actually, itÔÇÖs not me, it is youÔÇÖ? Why are there no official guidelines, or tweets from well-known politicians imploring that men stay inside after dark, so as not to endanger women? WeÔÇÖve seen advice telling us that if we really must travel outside in the evening or night, that┬áwe should always be with a group, or ready to fight back. Scrap that, no, no one ever tells us to fight back. If we did, weÔÇÖd be the ones getting in trouble, and probably with much more vigour than those that have groped us in nightclubs or busy trains. This is even more pronounced for women of colour. No, the advice is to let it happen. Just wait for it to be over, then tell the police. Of course, when you tell the police thereÔÇÖs a small chance of any evidence, let alone a trial or justice. Did you go to the loo after it happened? Oh, well thatÔÇÖs irritating because now youÔÇÖve flushed all the evidence away. Never mind the UTI.┬á
Cardiff University has been recently recorded as having the┬ásecond highest percentage of female students that have been groped on a night out. This is something I express no surprise at. This is something I witnessed every single night, either as it happened to me or my friends. I once hid in a nightclub toilets for an hour because my male housemate hadnÔÇÖt thought to text after leaving to check whether I had anyone else to walk home with, and an older man had been following me, asking whether IÔÇÖd like to hang out with him at his place. Another time, despite asserting the fact that I was a lesbian, a huge rugby playing student (male, of course) had groped me, convinced that he could ÔÇ£turn me straightÔÇØ. I was in an overcrowded nightclub where students were already practically on top of each other but I had a burst of strength, and shoved him away, screaming ÔÇ£I am a f*cking lesbianÔÇØ at the top of my lungs. People turned around, shocked briefly. The man (because we should call them men; theyÔÇÖre fully capable of responsibility) left, but only after IÔÇÖd raised attention to the assault. His friends offered a half-hearted apology, but as they pulled him away, they were laughing. As I write, men are outside, yelling. I feel a pang of fear for any woman walking alone tonight. I know that it isnÔÇÖt just my university. And it certainly isnÔÇÖt just university in general.
ThatÔÇÖs how I know itÔÇÖs all men that need to be educated. ThatÔÇÖs how I know that all men need to take part in this conversation and recognise the responsibility they have in this consistent violent behaviour. I need to know that my cisgender male friends will think of me if they decide to leave the club, because they know that it isnÔÇÖt necessarily safe for me to walk home alone. I need to know that men will call their mates out for groping women, shouting out of car windows, and making sexist comments as women walk past. I need to know that men arenÔÇÖt actively standing by, letting this behaviour happen. I need to know that ÔÇÿnice guysÔÇÖ arenÔÇÖt going to be angry and turn into ÔÇÿbad guysÔÇÖ when the woman theyÔÇÖve been friends with rejects their romantic advances. The disappearance of Sarah Everard, after doing something as mundane as walking home wearing perfectly normal clothing, is representative of a wider global issue. Where women still arenÔÇÖt free to be themselves. I ask any men that read this: if it was you, would you expect us to be compliant in your pain?
*ItÔÇÖs important to note that the experiences of trans and non-binary people (on which I donÔÇÖt feel itÔÇÖs fair of me to comment as a cisgender woman) are often even worse when it comes to male violence and this is something that certainly should not be forgotten in this discussion.