For most of my college life and the start of my university years, my dad stopped talking to me. At first, it took me a while to comprehend what was happening. It was like a switch had been flicked in our family dynamic, and before I knew it, I had spent four years living in a house of silence. Initially I was really angry, but also ashamed as I placed most of the blame upon myself. After having some fairly triggering Psychology lessons at school I began to come to terms with the fact that my dad was displaying symptoms of depression, and it was not necessarily me alone who was responsible for the non-communicative household that was created. There are a number or reasons I believe that he began to struggle with his mental health, and there are also a number of factors in my life that have been heavily influence by the experience I had at home.  

Social pressures on the ÔÇÿfather figureÔÇÖ

Despite the 21^st century move towards a less heteronormative society that doesnÔÇÖt have such a fixed view of gender roles, I am confident that there is some truth in our (not particularly abnormal, but nonetheless) non-conforming family structure. While the primary school playground was mostly filled with PTA mums, it was my dad who made me breakfast and took me to school every day. He was waiting outside every day at 3pm to take me home, help with homework and cook tea. For a lot of my childhood he was freelance and self-employed, doing what he loved and what brought him happiness. Sadly, I do believe that there were a lot of people who still struggled to understand the fact that it was my mum, from an archaic viewpoint, who would be considered the main ÔÇ£breadwinnerÔÇØ. Working freelance and partially from home seemed to leave some people under the impression that it wasnÔÇÖt enough and that my dad should be doing more to financially support the family. To this day I still rarely hear anything like this said about a ÔÇÿstay-at-home mumÔÇÖ and I will strongly stand by the fact that having my dad around a lot during my upbringing was a positive and transformative path towards the morals, beliefs and interests that I still have today. 

Effect on me: 

I blamed myself for the hostile dynamic created in our house and thought that a pattern in my behaviour or a failure to make my dad proud was what had triggered this new routine. Throughout my life I have turned to other coping mechanisms that have restored feelings of control and even now, as I gain new life experiences, I see elements of my behaviour and thought processing that are undoubtedly a result of the home life I had experienced. I studied for my A-levels like nothing else in the world mattered, and I cried like the world was ending if I got anything less than the best in an assessment or a test. A-levels were my ticket to university, and university was a way of leaving home and leaving an environment where I lived in constant apprehension of interaction with a dad who, on the surface, seemed like he was ignoring my very existence. The repercussions of previous hostile and silent mealtimes left me struggling to re-establish the fact that eating with your family and friends and trying to enjoy a proper meal can be a really nice and positive experience. My feelings of responsibility surrounding my dadÔÇÖs mental state also left me entering fairly toxic relationships, with the belief that I didnÔÇÖt deserve anything better and that it was my responsibility to ÔÇÿfixÔÇÖ the unhealthy mental struggles of future partners. I have since learned that I do not need to play a founding role in peopleÔÇÖs mental recoveries at the expense of my own mental health, and that it is not a healthy way of extinguishing the underlying and often irrational guilt that still lives inside me. 

A focus on male mental health

Despite the increasing amount of work being done to encourage the discussion and awareness of male mental health, there is still a fair way to go. During the period of my dadÔÇÖs depression, my mum and I had a great network of female friends around us who were there to support and counsel us through the particularly hard periods. It was evident that my dad didnÔÇÖt feel comfortable enough in his male-dominated social circles to discuss the way he was feeling. Or if he did, they struggled (no doubt due to social gender pressures) to provide enough empathy or advice to encourage a move towards better mental health. 

I have since re-established a relationship with my dad, which has allowed me to understand the way he was feeling during that time. I feel emotionally healthier having him back in my life, and I never realised how much I missed discussing our shared interests and learning about his life experiences. However, it has taken quite a few years to reach this point, and not many men feel as able to voice their desire to improve their mental health. Growing a moustache for ÔÇÿMovemberÔÇÖ is of course a great way to raise awareness and money for menÔÇÖs physical and mental health charities, but donÔÇÖt forget to keep checking in on your friends. As a generation we have such potential to bust the stigma surrounding menÔÇÖs emotions and we can actively encourage conversation surrounding mental health in general.